Bailey
Comments 35

Bailey

My sweet Bailey bear,

It has been four days since you passed away, and oh how my heart aches for you. My grief has grown and morphed into feelings that I cannot describe. There have been ups and downs, and the downs have been so low, so crippling. Each day I wake up to a new pain, and each day I wonder when it will subside. As the shock begins to fade, the crushing weight of reality knocks the breath out of me. I struggle to come to terms with the fact that you are really gone. It happened so quickly, and the memories of you running and jumping around are so fresh, so clear, that the stark contrast of the situation makes me break down in tears over and over again.

Bailey, my love, I know you were sick, but you were doing so well. I keep wondering if your heart valve hadn’t ruptured, if you’d still be here. The two months since your prognosis filled me with such hope. You took incredibly well to the meds, supplements, acupuncture, home-made food, and heaps of extra love and attention. You were in optimal health, minus the morning cough. The night before you passed, you were zipping back and forth in the bedroom, barking at Shadow, and going nuts over your squeaky toys. When I came home on Tuesday, you eagerly jumped into your carrier when I told you we were going to ong wai and ba wai’s house. 30 minutes later, I was on the phone with the vet ER, and within the hour, you were getting treatment at the hospital. I expected you to come home the next day, just as the vet reassured me, and I had planned to spend the afternoon in bed with you as you rested and recovered. I had no time to prepare. You went from your usual happy self to gone in a matter of eight hours. (How typical of you to be in such a hurry to do things.) When the phone rang at 10:35 PM and I saw that it was the ER calling, my heart sank into my stomach. I constantly relive the anguish and agony I felt as I called out to you to wait for me as Shayne rushed me to the hospital. I pleaded with you not to go, to please wait for me, to please stay. You were such a good boy, Bay. You fought so hard, and wait you did. I knew soon after I saw you that it was time to let you go. I went to call ong wai and ba wai and asked you to please hang on for them. Minutes before they arrived, you regained consciousness and woke up, much to the surprise of the vet, who had thought you wouldn’t. You were able to see us one last time, before you decided it was time to go. I didn’t want you to go, Bailey. As selfish as that is, I wanted you to stay with me longer. I would have never been ready to lose you, but this was too abrupt. I yearn and ache for you, Bailey. I miss squishing your soft, fluffy little body in my arms, as you wriggle to be free of my cuddles. I miss your crazy expressions and all the silly, funny things you do. You made me laugh every day, Bailey, and I will miss your constant companionship. I cry every time I open the door and you’re not there for me to scoop up and hold as you cover me with welcome home kisses.

Bailey, you came home with me 10 years ago on New Year’s Eve, 2006. You were a 2.7 lb. little fur ball and you gave me a run for my money trying to train you and adapt to my new bundle of responsibility. It was just the two of us for quite some time, at our then-new house. I am so glad you spent time at the current-new house, scurrying about and sniffing every last nook and cranny, making the space your own. It will be even more difficult to leave our home now, knowing that this was the only home you ever knew. I hope you know that I want you to go with me, Bay. I’m not leaving you behind. I would never leave you behind. This was supposed to be our new home, and even though you will never live there, I know it will be filled with your presence. You’re always and forever going to be in my heart.

I still talk to you, Baybay. You and I have always had the best conversations. Our connection was uniquely strong, and anyone who spent time with us could clearly see it. You have affected many lives during your time here. Your ong wai and ba wai miss you desperately. They love you as deeply as I do, and their hearts are just as broken as mine. Everyone who met you mourns your loss. People who have never met you feel like they know you and mourn for you. This very blog started with a picture of your huge, infectious smile. You’ve touched hearts around the globe, Bailey. Not many people can make that claim, but you, Sir Fluffy Bottoms, with your sweet little face, accomplished that task.

Bailey, you are the best little baby and I am so grateful you were mine. As much as I took care of you, you took care of me, especially through my deepest and darkest days. Thank you, little bear, for bringing such intense love and happiness to my life, to ong wai’s and ba wai’s lives, and to everyone else whose life you touched. Many thoughts and prayers and much love and light have been sent your way. Your spirit will continue to shine brightly, just as it always has. Of this I am sure. I struggle to find a way to end this letter, since I don’t really want it to have an ending. The words transcribed here are but a snippet of the thoughts and feelings I am trying to process as I navigate this darkness. I’ll still keep talking to you, Bailey. I can’t imagine not doing so. I want to think that you’ll always be with me, wherever I go. That’s one of the very few things that give me a sense of peace, is knowing that although your physical presence has gone, your spirit remains. You will forever be my sweet baby.

I love you always, Bailey. Kiss kiss.

Mommy

Advertisements
This entry was posted in: Bailey

35 Comments

  1. Shayne says

    He was truly one of a kind. A real soulful being. I miss him. He lives on in your heart and memory. He will live on in mine as well. Remember that you are loved and lean on all of us who love you.

    • Thank you for helping me take care of him the last two months. I will always remember him yelping at you to hurry up and give him his goodies when he thought you weren’t moving fast enough.

  2. Mom and Daddy says

    Bo, Mom and I are with you always. We are always together and Bailey is always with us forever. He is up there and happy now. Bailey will watch us all the time, I believe this. Bailey is very smart and he is bonded with us. Bailey is always in our hearts. LOVE!!!

  3. Sally says

    😪I am so sad for you Patty.cant help but shed some tears knowing Bailey passed so soon- too soon. I do know that you have him the best life and to know he assed seeing your faces is probably the best vision for him. Love you Patty!

  4. Patty, I’m so sorry for your loss. I know how much Bailey means to you. I felt your pain reading this letter that you wrote to Bailey :/ please let me know if you need anything or just to chat.

    • Annie, thank you for texting me this morning. As much as I try to talk about my feelings, there is always more. I appreciate you.

  5. Patty what a beautiful tribute to your Bailey but also a heartbreaking account of your loss. I am so sorry that your Bailey Bear is gone from this earth but his sweet spirit will live in with you always. Patty, Bailey is a gift from God and you both were meant for each other, you gave him the best life any little dog could imagine so much love and devotion and this was returned by Bailey to you as well. I also am thinking of your Mom and Dad I know how close they were to Bailey. My heart goes out to you all I am so sorry for your loss. I have no doubt that Bailey will be with you in spirit and will be with you in your new home. No doubt at all!!

    • Suzanne, you have been a pillar of strength for me these past several days. I am incredibly grateful for your love, friendship, and support. I don’t know how I’ll ever be able to repay you for the kindness you have shown me. I keep telling myself his spirit lives in me and will always be with me, but at times my need to hug him and hold him close is too strong, and the grief is too great.

      • I know hang in it’s so hard, such a sudden and devastating loss. You will feel Bailey with you I just know it 🙏🙏❤❤

  6. Oh no! Butterfly is sitting next to me looking very worried because I can’t stop crying. I know I never met Bailey in person, but his pictures made me smile every single time. I am so sorry for your loss. I can feel it all the way across the country.

    • Rachel, after I posted this last night, I went to your blog and looked at several of your posts, looking for Butterfly’s pictures. She is the only dog I know who bears a resemblance to Bailey. I have thousands of pictures of him, and my parents and I have been looking at them over and over again. As many as I have, it doesn’t feel like I have even close to enough. I miss him so desperately and so deeply, Rachel. My heart is shattered and the thought of living life without him fills me with incredible grief. I know it will pass, I know it will get better. But as of right now, the pain is unbearable. I woke up sick to my stomach this morning, filled with a sinking pain that had no bottom. He is my sweet love and I am utterly and completely lost without him.

      • I know. For me, the answer was to try to remember every story I’d ever told, or wanted to tell, about Dina, and tell them over and over and over again, until I felt reassured that she would never be gone from my mind. I was so afraid that I would forget her and lose those moments I’d had with her. But that didn’t happen. She’s still with me, ten years later, in the best possible way. Bailey imprinted on you; he will stay with you as long as you need him.

  7. Oh Patty how very sad, and what a wonderful tribute to your Bailey. So much love, so much devotion and a beautiful story of your lives entwined together. It’s a heartache when one loses a pet, I hope in time you will be smiling at the precious memories you’ve had over the years. My thoughts are with you as you go through bereavement. ~hugs~

    • Loretta, thank you for your thoughts and sympathies. I smile and laugh at Bailey’s memories every day, but the sorrow is much too strong right now. I go to bed every night hoping that it will start to go away, but I awake with new pain every morning. I know it will get better, and I want to be in a place where I feel peace and love more than hurt.

  8. Patty it is heartbreaking! We know how you are feeling (anyone who has lost a loved pet understands), you will feel the loss for sometime to come. The sadness will eventually turn to happy thoughts of the times shared. Bailey brought you so much joy and in turn you loved and cared for him all of his days. It is a void, you have expressed beautifully my friend. Hugs, Cheryl x

  9. Patty, my friend, my heart breaks, too. You are right, Bailey affected so many lives and he was loved by so many. Please think that Bailey is watching you now and he loved you a lot. Sending you love and hugs! 💜💜💜

    • Yes, I want to believe he is watching me now and that he is still with me. I still talk to him just like when he was here. My sweet baby boy.

  10. Dear Mamma Patty,

    You were the best mama, Bailey could have asked.
    I can’t even comprehend your pain Patty!!
    Will keep you and Bailey in prayers!!
    Hugs

    • Hi Sonal, thank you for your thoughts. Bailey was the sweetest, funniest, and also naughtiest little boy. His light was so bright and I know it still is.

  11. Dear Bailey,

    I know you needed to go, I am getting close myself. I also know you wanted to stay because you love your mommy so much! It is hard to leave the ones we love but we will never really leave. My mommy will cry too but I will always be with her and dad and Ginger just as you are with Patty. I am sad you could not stay longer with your mommy on earth just as I am sad that I will be here only as long as my body will allow. Lick your mommy’s tears away and I’ll see you on the other side.
    Love Buddy

    • Oh Buddy, I am so sorry to hear this. Bailey will most certainly be waiting for you. I am sending you and your family all of my love. My heart breaks for your mommy. I love you, sweet Buddy.

  12. Pauly D says

    Beautiful picture and tribute to a beautiful spirit that brought everyone joy who new him. He will always live in our hearts. We are only moments away until we will get to pet and hold him again.

  13. Ba wai says

    Bailey oi, you will forever be our sweet little baby. We love you so much and still can’t believe that you left us so soon. Ong wai, ba wai and mommy can’t stop crying and we miss you deeply. I’m sure you are around in our house even though we can’t see you. Thank you Bailey for being a best part of our lives, we had incredible times together for the past ten years. Bailey, you are always and forever going to be in our hearts, you know that right? Bailey, I hope you have a lot of fun up there and please wait for me to cross Rainbow Bridge together, okay? Love you, love you, love you…

  14. Cristian says

    Bailey was so unique. He was such a character. I am glad I was able to meet him. You spoke so highly of him. Always have had a lot to say about him. I was very surprised to hear about his passing. It didn’t expect it so soon. I would have loved to see Little Ong Bailey for another amazing session of Bailey Therapy. I hate to see you and your family in such despair. Bailey was loved by all. His presence was felt by many. Especially those who he was close to. I am very lucky to have had a cucumber eating buddy. I will always remember Bailey when I eat cucumber. Last Friday I missed you Little Ong Bailey I didn’t eat the cucumber I asked to be separated for you. It didn’t feel right to eat it without you. I pains me to know you are no longer physically here. I do however feel better when I know you visit us. I did feel your presence last thursday when I was helping your mommy. You always made me laugh. Those little googly eyes will forever stay in my memory.

  15. I am deeply sorry for your loss Patty – I have enjoyed the pictures and stories about Bailey for some time now. When my yellow lab Molly passed away I put together a “creative memories” album of her from when she was a puppy to her later years. This helped me tremendously to move on and know she was in a better place. I was so thankful for the years she gave me and I know you will eventually look more at the good times you had with Bailey and how much you both loved each other. Stay strong…

  16. I’m so sorry for your loss, and my heart is with you! I’m so happy to know that Bailey had the best family in the world, and that his days were so full of love. Xoxo

  17. Oh Patty, this was heartbreaking to read but hopefully healing for you to write. It is so hard to lose a loved one. And grieving goes on and on…. but will hopefully get easier. I have never told anyone the state Rascal was in when I came home that last day and found him….it’s too painful to describe. But even though his spine was no longer functioning much and he had obviously had internal trauma (a stroke? a seizure?), he still attempted to run at the door barking when the key turned in the lock. That was my last time alone with him. All of his thirteen years he had valiantly played watch dog — jumping and barking at the door whenever anyone was there….even in his wheelchair he would lunge for the door. For awhile I couldn’t walk in the door without crying because it was just too quiet. It has gradually turned to more of a moment of silence, but it still always feels like he’s going to be behind that door.

    Our foster dog is definitely not a replacement, and it’s kind of a relief that he’s deaf and can’t hear me coming in the door. I like to think that Gorbie and I need each other right now — my dog died and his owner died — and that maybe in another world both of our loved ones are looking out for each other and waiting until we can see them again.

    I know it hurts and that healing has its own schedule. Even though I never met Bailey in person, it is clear he and you were an inseparable package. You are in my thoughts…let me know if you want to talk about it! I’m happy to listen!

  18. Patty, I’m very sorry to hear about Bailey’s passing. I know it’s s very difficult time for you. I remember the first pictures I saw of Bailey on your blog and knew he was so very much an important part of your life as well as that you were the great companion and caregiver to him. He could not have had a better Mom. My heartfelt sympathies to you.

Please tell me what you think!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s